Child abuse is the ultimate betrayal. The very people who were supposed to love, comfort, nurture and protect me damaged me deeply mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sadly, rather than blaming my parents I turned my rage inward leading to deep pain depression and self sabotage; repeating the dynamics of my family unconsciously.

 

“Children Should Be Obscene and Not Heard”

 

By the age of 3 I knew I did not want to be at home. My older sister(age 5) and I were trying to find the local school and got lost. I was picked up while my sister hid behind a tree and taken to a kind lady's house. I gave her my phone number and waited for my parents; I knew I wanted to stay where I was. Turns out I gave myself good advice.

 

My father, a WWII vet born in Cedar Rapids, IA was an alcoholic who raged at us turning a scary red in his acne scarred face. My mother had lived a hard life. Her own mother had died when she was only 5. Her father struggled to make a living as a Hebrew teacher in Brooklyn, NY. She was sent to an orphanage and treasured the Hershey bars he left under her pillow. He died when she was 17. They had argued that day and when she came home from school she saw him lying dead on the floor. The guilt stayed with her the rest of her life.

 

My mother was diagnosed as a manic depressive who grew progressively worse. Because my dad was a traveling salesman we were left to my mother's untender mercies. She withdrew into her bedroom in a flannel nightgown leaving the three of us (I had a younger sister too) to fend for ourselves. We were abandoned on the other side of the closed door. We scrounged for food and had to cook for ourselves leading me to get cuts and burns. By the age of 10 we were expected to clean up the house and do her chores and it never happened.

 

When dad came home and saw the chaos he became angry. My smart sisters ran outside and guilty me stayed. I felt I deserved to be punished for not doing my house work. As my father worked himself up he would take off his belt and hit me, sometimes the loop would open and the buckle would hit me on my back. This was on top of sexual molestation and verbal abuse such as “You are lazy and good for nothing, and no one will ever love you.” These were harsh words to a young child in their formative years.

 

By the age of 11 I was dreaming about ways to die for release from the suffering. From 8-18 I had a recurring dream of stabbing my dad with a pitchfork and setting a barn on fire with him in it. On reflection, if I had killed my parents the first time I thought of it; I would be out of jail by now.

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“You Can Never Get Enough of What You Don't Need, Because What You Don't Need Won't Satisfy You.” ~ Dallin H. Oaks

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Fast forward to my marriage at age 20 in 1969. I was almost finished earning my BA in Anthropology. My husband was an ambitious accountant. He passed all 5 parts of the CPA Exam the first time. By the age of 32 he was an audit partner in a Big 8 firm. I was a corporate wife living the American dream. I had a 4,000 sq. ft. home with a 3 car garage. My 2 children were in private school. We had a power breakfast club, a country club and an elite dinner club. For me a bad day was when Fidelia the housekeeper didn't come and I had to cut my own avocado.

 

By this time I was on my third therapist. My son's preschool teacher thought I might be depressed. At the age of 28 I finally sought psychological help. The first psychologist was a strident feminist who predicted in 6 months I would want a divorce. I stopped seeing Audrey; I wanted to keep my marriage vows. A year or two later while taking a parenting course I started therapy with the teacher. When the repressed memories were starting to bubble to the surface I quit a second time. One night my husband was so angry he slept on the couch.

 

I knew what that meant. My mother had exiled my dad to the couch the last 11 years of their union. Now he was much closer. He would ask me why I had my electric blanket on in the summer. How did he know? I threw my clothes on the floor and planted other land mines to keep him away.

 

I decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline and seek one of their counselors reasoning that was the root of my issues. I saw Barbara weekly for about 10 years. One day as the session was ending I realized my hands wouldn't do what I wanted them to. Self hypnosis at home revealed the ugly truth; my father had me in the bathroom playing with his peepee. The incest was beginning to surface at age 35. From then on until about the year 2000 I had occasional PTSD flashbacks uncovering more details. I would cry hysterically and fall to the floor writhing in agony. Child abuse is a gift that keeps on giving.

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“My Self Esteem is So Low, You Could Find Jimmy Hoffa Under It”

 

My mother died in 1990 and I found I could no longer cope with the tasks of daily living. So I was checked into Club Med-icated for a month. It was an inpatient facility where I would get help for my eating disorder. I was a bulimic, compulsive eater, who and did not purge, with an underlying depression. Now I was part of the Prozac Nation. We had scheduled activities with different names but they were all breaking down the walls formed in years of denial and ineffective strategies trying to cope with devastation

 

While in Pine Grove my husband sent me some mail. An envelope with the corner torn, enclosed was a picture of my mother's gravestone. I totally lost it and needed help as I cried and cried and totally “lost it”. I had gone around the bend and was unsure if I would ever come back to normal, whatever that was.

 

“After the Divorce, I Had the Best of Both Worlds; I Got His Money, His Second Wife Had to Live with Him”

 

My marriage continued to deteriorate. Sometimes I felt like a prostitute, exchanging sex for a secure lifestyle. We agreed to separate and sort things out in 1991. By this time, his high school sweetheart had contacted him for financial advice as her husband was dying. They renewed a romantic interest in each other. She was sending him cards and such and they were talking on the phone. Although we continued to date, it was a pretense while she wrapped up business in Ohio and prepared to come to CA to live with him. After the divorce in 1993 was final they married.

 

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“Spiritual Awakening”

 

Since I always felt better when I visited a girl friend in San Diego I relocated there. I had a generous divorce settlement which allowed me a beautiful apartment with an ocean view from the balcony. Realizing I spent 0% of my life in spiritual pursuits I got a job working at a New Age monthly publication. I had a variety of tasks over the next year and a half, including advertising sales.

 

One day deeper spiritual awareness was awakened with the sincere prayer, “May the means of my healing manifest themselves to me.” Within 5 minutes I was approached by a woman who was exchanging janitorial work for her advertising. Shahido invited me to her home for an Arbonne cosmetics facial. As we talked I soon broke down crying. She proceeded to involve me in a process called Nested Emotions. The idea was to see what was deeper under the surface emotions. Soon I was able to experience the deepest state, the peace that surpasses understanding. Waves and waves of deep peace engulfed me.

 

I had never consciously been aware or connected to this powerful part of my being. I wanted more of that. I started going to her home weekly for group meditation and private sessions. I was getting better by leaps and bounds. What joy. She introduced me to her teacher Gangaji who was giving public meetings in 1997. I was learning profound lessons about the truth of my being. What a fortunate lifetime.

 

At work, I wanted to start an advertiser support program to assist in business growth and development. The publisher was not interested. I had a psychic reading and was advised to start this group in 1999. I waited as advised and the first meeting of “Awake Connections” attracted 40 people wanting to learn marketing from the spirit within. After a year a second group across town was launched.

 

A participant called me before the first meeting and said, “I was told to go”. I was intrigued, who told her? I soon found out. After the initial program she invited me to her home. Kat was flamboyant and dramatic in her dress and style. Her town home was beautifully decorated with art work, minerals and crystals reflecting who she was. She talked to me about her being a channel for an Ascended Master named Maha Chohan, a nature energy. All of this was new to me and yet felt right. We began to talk about her current business and the unique jewelry she crafted.

 

Kat and I began to meet regularly and talk about promoting her Corporate Zoo nature based business training. One day she informed me her teacher, Margaret Birkin had traveled from Australia to Los Angeles and was booking personal readings. I saw her in April 2000. Within 2 weeks I made the momentous journey to Sacred Grove Retreat Center to spend several days with Margaret learning to be a channel.

 

It was totally in alignment with my spiritual development. I was supported fully by the Christ Consciousness energy and embarked on a lifelong journey. I returned home and soon realized my time in San Diego was ending.

 

“Wandering Jew”

 

I dated Tommy off and on for 4 years. We broke up every 8 months whether we needed to or not. I chose to spend my last night at his home on my way back to the retreat center, in October of that year. I was a marketing aide. I have often noticed that spirit gives me a choice, as if to say, “Do you really want this or perhaps this?” That last night Tommy tested my resolve. He asked me, “If I ask you to stay, will you marry me?”

 

It was clear we would not be a good match and I departed for North Carolina the next day. I lived in a mobile home while I worked at the country spiritual retreat center. Eventually moved to Charlotte where I became a receptionist for a Naturopath affiliated with Sacred Grove and on the Board of Directors.

 

By 2004 my energy directed me to move near my son, to Port Arthur, TX. I stayed about a year when Kat reentered my life in 2005. We had stayed in touch through her marriage and move to Maui, HI. She was now in Phoenix, AZ and had a business vision for alternative healers. I was stressed out and had quit my job as a Sprint customer service representative. I asked if I could join her in the venture. We rented a home together in Scottsdale and the New World Business Institute was born. Within a few weeks Hurricane Rita destroyed my former apartment complex.

 

We gave seminars, did individual consulting and maintained a weekly internet radio show. Kat's parents visited with us for a couple of weeks. It became apparent her father was in decline. We mutually decided it would be best to break up the home, dissolve the corporation which would allow her to join her parents in OR for elder care of her father's dementia.

 

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“My Rescue Cat Rescued Me”

 

I moved on and got a job as a receptionist for a naturopath. I was left to my own devices and eventually summarily fired. My job performance was admittedly lacking. By this time my spousal support was ended and I had accumulated mountains of credit card debt. I was both a compulsive eater and spender.

At the time I was renting a room with several people in a rental house. I was asked to leave because I could no longer pay rent, and there were restrictions as I applied for SSI. I had no where affordable to go and I was homeless.

 

One of my housemates took me to drop off my cat Asha. I found her in my Charlotte apartment complex, abandoned. She traveled with me to TX and AZ. The shelter owner lectured me and said, “If you cannot afford a house, live in a tent.” My girlfriend added, “She can't afford a tent.” There was a long pause, and then I was offered a place to live in exchange for animal care. I stayed there while sorting out my income. Along with food stamps, food bank and health care assistance I made do.

 

The no kill shelter was a mobile home with built out porches, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathroom, living room and kitchen. It was stuffed to the gills with 150+ cats, kittens, small dogs and puppies. I vacuumed, bleach mopped, cleaned the feeding stations, did laundry, fed wet food and my favorite, petting station daily. The work was humbling and also rewarding.

 

“Hitting the Oregon Trail”

 

Eventually my SSI came in and I used the direct prayer line to God, Craig's List to find a room in Florence, OR where Kat and her family lived in 2008. With food stamps and Medicaid I was able to live well on less than $700 a month. I assisted Kat as a caregiver for her dad. It was a pleasure to also spend time with her centenarian ( 106 ) mom.

 

“Willingness is the WD-40 of the Universe”

 

Over the years my relationship with my father became on and loving or off and resentful. A therapist who had helped me to combine my sub personalities into my adult self advised me to stop talking to my father if he would not take responsibility for the incest. I gave it deep thought and decided to bring up the subject again. I wanted him to acknowledge I had been molested and it had affected my life profoundly. Although he still denied sexually violating me he was able to acknowledge my life was changed by having such an experience. It was enough for me. I was able from that moment on to forgive my father and get on with the business of loving him. He was no longer an authority figure I was afraid of who belittled and scolded me. We became friends and talked weekly until his death in 2013. This was the biggest accomplishment of my life.

 

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi 

 

Suffering became the doorway to my soul. If I was ever going to know true happiness and joy it was key for me stop sticking to the story of abuse. I was fearful of doing that. I had gotten a lot of mileage and cover from it. If I succeeded, protective walls would crumble and I would feel naked and exposed.

 

At a certain point I realized all healing is self healing. Conscious awareness taught me I was not the physical, emotional or mental body. I chose to neutralize the emotional charge in the events of my life and see what else could occur. 

 

After I ended psychotherapy I was able to put together a Tool Kit that has helped me to cope. I found these modalities, meditations and work sheets listed below immensely helpful. There is not enough room for me to go into a detailed explanation. Feel free to email me: soulstar_46@yahoo.com. Counseling is available on a donation basis. No one turned away for lack of funds.

 

“Where the Rubber Meets the Road”

 

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